Kristina's Essay Review

Kristina did a fantastic job with her essay. The content that she provided definitely assisted with her argument. Her quotes were very well implemented and definitely helped show the major pay gap that occurs between females and men, especially in sports. Her introduction immediately drew me in, specifically with the major difference in pay between the U.S. men’s and the women’s team. Definitely hooks the reader in right away since it is so incredulous to the audience. It provides this wow factor that makes the reader crave for more from her essay, and they definitely won’t be disappointed. She definitely makes a great point about how the media wrongly portrays women when it comes to sports. She definitely makes some strong points about how the media oversexualizes women which could detract from the amount of viewers and supporters that the women could possibly have. Although her essay centered on soccer, I think it would be even more effective if other sports were brought into the equation. What is the pay gap between male and female swimmers for instance? The Olympics would be a great event to see how big the pay gap is between male and females in the different sports represented there. Honestly, her paper does a great job with just having a focus on soccer. I loved how she brought the differences in wages between coaches of male teams and female teams into the equation. It shows that not only are females getting underpaid, but male coaches who teach female teams are also underpaid. All in all, her paper is very well done and I would love to see what she can do with her conclusion paragraph.

Peer Review For Wednesday

            Rachel’s introduction to her paper about the need to implement Gun Control Laws really drew me in. The quote at the beginning definitely sets the stage and shows her audience that action needs to occur. It is very powerful and makes the audience want to fight for these laws so that it could prevent future incidents. It is definitely an effective to way to begin her article. Her essay is riddled with facts that help prove her point that Gun Control Laws need to be enacted. At some points however, I feel that she overloads her readers with these facts, not allowing them to get a chance to breathe. Some of the facts are hard to take in especially when it comes to the specific shootings that have taken place. She definitely utilizes the facts and statistics to her advantage since they are proving that gun control laws need to happen. However, I believe along with these quotes, explanation needs to occur to help show analysis of the quotes. Going in depth about why that quote is specifically important to the enactment of gun control laws could help her points. I do like how she does give insight into her own thoughts and at points she is very persuasive as she intertwines her own points with the quotes she obtains from her sources. Her informational and argumentative tone is definitely well suited for the piece she is writing. I believe she achieves her purpose in trying to persuade her audience to see why gun control laws should be enacted. Her conclusion seems to wrap up her essay far too quickly, but the concluding sentence is very well written and leaves her audience wanting to read more of her essay. Overall, Rachel is definitely on her way to creating a great paper.

            

            Sarah is on her way to making a convincing argument about not texting, or using a cell phone while driving. Her title brings you in because it is a morbid topic, especially when it comes to all of the sad stories that we hear about people texting while driving. Her introduction starts off very well especially with a particularly interesting statistic. It took me aback by how many people actually use their cellphones while driving. One thing that she should fix in her introduction is to not say that “the research paper will try to inform…” She should just ease her audience into it, allowing the paper to flow. She makes a good use of breaking her paper into different sections where she brings up great points and statistics to help move her essay along. One thing that she should include is more analysis of certain facts. She provides a lot of concrete evidence, but doesn’t really delve into its importance to her paper. If she could show why these statistics are important towards her own points, her paper would be much more persuasive towards her audience. Even though she did do a good job of breaking up her paper, I felt like there was a point where her purpose was lost to the audience. It seemed like she changed from telling people to not use cellphones while driving to advocating for it to occur. I think she should try to mix both of these together so that she could show why the benefits don’t outweigh the costs. Although she does do this with her conclusion paragraph, it isn’t enough to bring home her point that texting while driving is dangerous. Other than that, her essay was beautifully written and incorporated a lot of interesting statistics.