Rachel’s introduction to her paper about the need to
implement Gun Control Laws really drew me in. The quote at the beginning
definitely sets the stage and shows her audience that action needs to occur. It
is very powerful and makes the audience want to fight for these laws so that it
could prevent future incidents. It is definitely an effective to way to begin
her article. Her essay is riddled with facts that help prove her point that Gun
Control Laws need to be enacted. At some points however, I feel that she
overloads her readers with these facts, not allowing them to get a chance to
breathe. Some of the facts are hard to take in especially when it comes to the
specific shootings that have taken place. She definitely utilizes the facts and
statistics to her advantage since they are proving that gun control laws need
to happen. However, I believe along with these quotes, explanation needs to
occur to help show analysis of the quotes. Going in depth about why that quote
is specifically important to the enactment of gun control laws could help her
points. I do like how she does give insight into her own thoughts and at points
she is very persuasive as she intertwines her own points with the quotes she
obtains from her sources. Her informational and argumentative tone is
definitely well suited for the piece she is writing. I believe she achieves her
purpose in trying to persuade her audience to see why gun control laws should
be enacted. Her conclusion seems to wrap up her essay far too quickly, but the
concluding sentence is very well written and leaves her audience wanting to
read more of her essay. Overall, Rachel is definitely on her way to creating a
great paper.
Sarah
is on her way to making a convincing argument about not texting, or using a
cell phone while driving. Her title brings you in because it is a morbid topic,
especially when it comes to all of the sad stories that we hear about people
texting while driving. Her introduction starts off very well especially with a particularly
interesting statistic. It took me aback by how many people actually use their
cellphones while driving. One thing that she should fix in her introduction is
to not say that “the research paper will try to inform…” She should just ease
her audience into it, allowing the paper to flow. She makes a good use of
breaking her paper into different sections where she brings up great points and
statistics to help move her essay along. One thing that she should include is
more analysis of certain facts. She provides a lot of concrete evidence, but
doesn’t really delve into its importance to her paper. If she could show why
these statistics are important towards her own points, her paper would be much
more persuasive towards her audience. Even though she did do a good job of
breaking up her paper, I felt like there was a point where her purpose was lost
to the audience. It seemed like she changed from telling people to not use
cellphones while driving to advocating for it to occur. I think she should try
to mix both of these together so that she could show why the benefits don’t outweigh
the costs. Although she does do this with her conclusion paragraph, it isn’t
enough to bring home her point that texting while driving is dangerous. Other than
that, her essay was beautifully written and incorporated a lot of interesting
statistics.
No comments:
Post a Comment