Peer Reviews

Lauren’s rough draft was an amazing piece of work especially when it comes to the narrative.  She drew me in with the first words she wrote and the anaphora that she used in the introduction was very well written. The depth of her details really allows her to connect with her audience on a personal level. It was obvious that she had a lot of fun with writing this essay (even if she didn’t, she made it seem like she did). One thing that could use improvement is the length of her paragraphs. She uses a lot of details, but compiles them into massive paragraphs. By breaking them up, her audience will be able to focus more and not get overloaded with her very impressive narrative. Another thing that could be improved is her use of statistics. At times I felt as though she had too much narrative and not enough information from her sources to assist her in conducting her experiment and reflecting on her results. It is definitely different from the majority of student essays that we have looked at in class in how it is much less serious and more narrative centered. I think it allows it to be more relatable to her audience, but her ethos begins to lack in how she doesn’t fully take advantage of the outside sources that she collected. It is obvious that she has done her research, but more quotes or statistics would help her be more successful for her final draft. Overall, this rough draft blew me away and she is perfectly prepared to continue onto her final work.

Rachel’s essay topic drew me in because it is something that freshmen have been told about since early on in high school. It is an intriguing topic and one that she expertly explores with the Atkins diet. She gives a great amount of background information on different topics. One thing that I wanted was to feel more of a connection with her. Even though I did feel a connection to the topic, I felt as if she didn’t fully bring me in. The flow of her paper was great, but I wanted to hear more about her interactions and her thoughts that would help me feel more connected to her as a reader. She did make her goal vividly clear and in her conclusion she brought it full circle. I feel like she does a great job storytelling for the most part. The food descriptions actually made me hungry and I had to run to Owens before they closed. One thing she lacks is concrete evidence from her sources. She does make it obvious that she understands what she is talking about, but she doesn’t use direct quotes or cite the information that she used in her essay. If she could add quantifiable data, her essay would become incredibly powerful and would cause more people to read it because she would be seen as a credible source. Overall, Rachel does a fantastic job of bringing in her audience and masterfully crafts an intriguing narrative. She is well on her way to creating a great final paper.